The Origins of the HowToAnnoy list
by The-3-Sueslayers
Summary: A girl goes into Symphonia to make a list on 30 ways to annoy Kratos. Canon pairings only. PURE CRACK, or at least, it will be after the prologue. Rated T for swearing. Don't own anything but Kiri and the plot. Sueslayer2.
1. Prologue

Welcome! Have fun! I'm writing a list on how to annoy Kratos. Any suggestions?

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_Kristen closed her eyes and fell asleep. Silly dreams of annoying people danced through her head._

_Then, all was silent. She stood in darkness, and a voice echoed around her."It is as you desire, wish girl. Make your list, and do not worry about harm. Who do you wish to see?"_

_"Wish Girl? I'm Kiri, thanks."_

_Kiri thought hard. This voice seemed to be saying that she could meet a character in order to make a list of ways to annoy them, and also that she need not worry about being hurt. So, who did she want to annoy?_

_One thought popped into her head._

_"I want to annoy Kratos."_

_"Kratos Aurion?"_

_"That's the one."_

_"It is as you desire. Be ready. Be careful. Do not worry, I will watch over you. You shall return when you are finished."_

_"Alright."_

_"He is staying in Meltokio for a week with the Chosen's group. You will be there when you wake. Open your eyes, Wish-Child, go forth and annoy!"_

_Oddly enough, Kristen was able to obey. She opened her eyes to see that she was not in her bed, but one in an inn in Meltokio._

_She was dressed in comfortable, stretchy clothing. It was all black. A backpack lay next to her. She opened it to see a shield, a pen and her journal. A note was on the shield. 'With this shield on your back, you will come to no harm.'_

_The label on her notebook said, '30 ways to annoy Kratos Aurion'._

_She gave a wicked grin. Now the fun could start. But where should she begin? At the beginning, of corse. Good old number one._

_Kratos Aurion, beware!_


	2. 1: The Beginning

Kiri strapped the shield to her back and headed out of the inn. She laughed and headed for Zelos' mansion. She held the notebook in her hand, her pen at the ready.

She crept through the mansion, suddenly realizing that she had been given the ultimate silent walk. _Excellent... _she thought. _Now not even the ears of an Angel will hear me when I don't want them to. I could use this new talent to be a spy, a great asset to the good guys..._ she thought a moment. N_ah. It's more fun to use it to torture people._

She tiptoed into Kratos' room, seeing him asleep. She grinned. Carefully, she took a place by his bed.

Kratos opened his eyes. _I suppose I fell asleep, _he thought.

"Good morning, Crabcakes!" a loud, cheerful voice said. Kratos jumped up, reaching for Flamberge, his trusty broadsword. He found it missing.

"... What?" he said. He saw a dark haired, dark skinned girl standing in front of him. she was grinning at him and holding Flamberge in her hand.

"Wow, Crabcakes... your pajamas are really funny looking!" she said. "I wish I had a camera!"

A camera fell from the sky and hit him on the head.

The girl gleefully grabbed it and snapped a picture of him. "Excellent!" she said. "I can just see the headlines. Crabcakes Aurion's idiot pajamas revealed by intrepid reporter! Zelos will just love this one! Or... would that annoy you?"

"It would," said Kratos. "Give me my sword."

The girl grinned and held it out of his reach. In the morning, Kratos was not in the mood to play games. "Grave," he said.

The girl turned quickly, her shield causing the blow to dissipate.

Kiri laughed. "I thought it would. This stuff it gold!"

Pulling out her notebook, she scribbled madly.

1: wake him up in the morning.

2: Steal his sword.

3: Call him 'Crabcakes'

4: Fix it so that none of his attacks can hit you, laugh every time he tries.

5. Take a picture of his pajamas and show it to Zelos.

Kratos appeared to calm down. "Give me my sword," he said in a dangerous voice.

Kiri grinned. "Absolutely..." she thought quickly. "Lord Vader."

Kratos took the sword. "Lord... Vader? What is that?"

Kiri grinned at his confusion. "Darth Vader. You and Lloyd are a rip-off of him and his son, Luke Skywalker." she thought another moment. "Lloyd... I am your father..." she said in a deep voice and fell to the floor laughing.

Man, Kiri thought. _If I don't die of laughter before I finish this list, it's gonna be perfect!_

She scribbled in her notebook.

6. Call him 'Lord Vader'. Explain that he and Lloyd are a rip off of Darth Vader and Luke.

7. Say 'Lloyd, I am your father' in your best Darth Vader imitation and laugh. Hard.

Kratos turned a cold gaze on her. "Get out of this room," he said, his voice perfectly level.

Kiri decided to obey... for now. "OK, Crabcakes!" she said, leaving the room. "See you at breakfast!"

Kratos groaned. Oh _no_.

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Having fun? Get out your cameras and Youtube accounts, 'cause it only gets worse! 


	3. 2: A Meeting with Zelos

A short chapter, but needed in the story. I don't own. Enjoy!

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Kiri raced down to his breakfast table. Halfway there, she met Zelos. He looked shocked. "Wha..." he said. He regained his composure. "What are you doing here, my sweet hunny?" (Well, he calls everyone that!)

She grinned at him. "A, I'm not your hunny. B, I'm only here to annoy the heck outta Kratos, so I promise to stay out of your way."

Zelos' eyebrows shot up. Someone here solely to annoy Kratos? _This should be good,_ he thought. "Go ahead..." he said, leaving the statement hanging.

"Kiri. Thanks," she said. "Oh, by the way, can you tell me where the kitchen is? I need some tomatoes..."

"Absolutely. Just that way," he said, pointing it out. "Just what do you need tomatoes for?"

She grinned. "Kratos hates them. Also, do you have a computer?"

Zelos nodded. "Great," she said. "Thanks. Bye! I'm off to annoy Crabcakes. Oh, and, by the way, could you call him that next time you see him?"

Zelos grinned. "Of corse, hunny."

Kiri raced down the hallway, too happy to care that he had called her hunny.

Zelos followed her, grinning. He just had to see this one.


	4. 3: Breakfast, Among Other Things

D This is my faveourite chapter so far. Kratos really gets it in this one.

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Kratos came down to see the girl sitting at the table, talking with Colette and Lloyd. There was only one spot left to sit, so he sat there. 

A woman came in, carrying four breakfasts. They all consisted of thick pancakes with syrup and butter sitting on the side of the plate. She distributed one to each person.

Kratos speared part of a pancake with his fork and took a bite. His face twisted into a mask of revulsion, and he left the room. After coming back, he examined his breakfast. A tomato slice was perfectly concealed within the thick pancake. He looked to see the black clothed girl grinning and scribbling in her notebook.

8. Fill his breakfast with tomatoes.

Kiri grinned evilly. She had duped him but good, by enlisting the cook to her side. And if he thought this morning was over, he had another think coming.

Kiri snuck after Kratos as he walked down the hall. Zelos came out of the door, walking the opposite way.

9. Convince Zelos to call him 'Crabcakes'. (Not hard)

"Good morning... Crabcakes," Zelos said. He burst out into laugher and Kratos' eyes predicted death for someone.

Kiri slipped away as Kratos walked out into the city to replenish his supplies. Time to find that computer.

Later...

Kiri fastened the last tack into the wall. She stepped back, laughing softly.

On the poster she had just put up was a picture of Kratos, looking confused and angry, in his pajamas, rubbing his head. The title above it said 'Kratos Aurion's Idiot Pajamas Revealed By Intrepid Reporter'.

10. Remember the picture of him in his pajamas? Make a poster out of it and hang it everywhere he goes.

Later...

Lloyd poked Genis in the shoulder, pointing at the poster that had been hung on the wall. Genis started to laugh. It was a picture of Kratos in pajamas. It was signed at the bottom. Made by: 'The Girl in Black. SQUEE!'Lloyd laughed as well. "That girl's a genius! Kratos is in big trouble now..."

When Kratos returned, Kiri was ready for him. "EEEEEWWWW!" she screamed. She ran down the hallway.

Kratos looked after her. _What?_ he thought.

Kratos walked into the room where the group was going to eat lunch.

"EEEEEEWWWW!"

The girl in black ran away. Lloyd, Colette, Genis, and Zelos, who were sitting at the table, all laughed.

11. Every time _you see him, scream 'EEEEWWW!'_ _Trust me. Do it enough, and it'll start annoying him_. 

An evil smile came over Kiri's face. She had an awful idea...

Kratos walked through the mansion, looking for the door. He knew it was around here somewhere...

He walked into a room to see the girl in black sobbing on the couch.

"Are you alright?" he asked. He knew she was a very annoying girl, but he did not like to see people cry. She only cried harder, but moved her face onto his shoulder, soaking his mercenary outfit.

She dried her eyes after a while. "Why were you crying?" he asked gently. He knew not to yell, it would only make her cry more.

"Because... because... because YOU'RE SUCH A SAP!" she laughed and ran away, snatching the video camera from by the door.

It was all fake! "Deamoness," he spat angrily.

12. Cry. All over him, if he asks why, cry more. When you're done, say, "Haha! You're such a sap!" and run away. Videotape it if at all possible.


	5. A lead up to unpleasantness

As usual, I don't own anything except Kiri. Sorry for not updating in so long! My muse went on vacation.

Sueslayer2

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13. Snipe him with tomatoes_

Kratos walked down the hallway. Being in a hurry, he did not pay as much attention to his surroundings as he usually would.

_Splat!_ He was hit in the side of his head by something wet, coming from the direction of the stairs. He recognised the smell. Tomatoes!

He looked around. No one was there. Suddenly, he heard a noise. He turned in the direction it was coming from-

_Splat!_ Just in time to be hit in the face with another tomato.

As he wiped it out of his eyes, he heard a click, rather like a door. He continued on, at the ready this time.

He quickly opened the door, bringing up Flamberge. The sword sliced the inevitable tomato in half... and both halves hit him in the face.

_Splat!_ By the time he got the tomato juice and disgusting pulp off of his face, his assailant, who was most likely to be that girl, was gone. He heard a giggle, and sighed. It was the girl.

_14. Wait for him to go out, then swap all his clothes for the outfits favoured by Zelos. Then, get his last purple mercenary outfit dirty. Only leave Zelos' clothes... and his pajamas._

Kratos left Zelos' mansion to get some fresh air. He didn't like the flamboyancy of the place, and it would give him a break from the girl.

Kiri crept into his room, carrying a bag full of Zelos' clothes and a large glass of tomato juice.

_She grinned evilly. Number fourteen already. I'm almost half done! You know... I'm gonna miss this when I go home..._


	6. 5: Annyoingly Peppy

Sorry for the lack of updates! Well, here it is! And I'm incorporating the song that's been stuck in my head for a week, and even Kratos' comerades turn on him. :D

I own nothing! (BTW: Listen to 'don't stop never give up' by S club 7 and try to imagine them all dancing to it and singing it minus Kratos. You know, Sheena and Colette singing the lead vocals, and Zelos and Lloyd doing the backround changed voices stuff, and Genis dancing. I got a mental image that made me happy.)

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Kratos disappeared into the room he was staying in. Quickly he donned his own clothing again. That girl. Who was she, anyway? Where did she come from?

His keen ears picked out someone skipping down the hallway. The person was humming, then started to sing.

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"Don't stop! Never give up! Hold your head high and reach the top. Let the world see what you have got. Bring it all back to you. hold on to what you try to be. Your individuality, when the world is on your shoulders, just smile and let it go."

Kratos groaned. He'd never had a problem with music. In fact, when he was younger, he had done quite a bit of singing himself. But this song was so... peppy. It was like Colette, high on sugar. Annoyingly cheerful.

Kiri skipped along the hallway. She was in an unusually good mood. She hummed one of her favourite songs, then burst out singing it.

She heard a faint groan, coming from... Kratos' room! _Aha..._ she thought. _So he doesn't like unusually cheerful songs, hmm? _An evil idea entered into her head. _I'd be willing to bet Colette would like this song..._

"Hey, Colette!" Kiri called, as she ran down the hallway. The blond chosen turned around.

"Oh, hi!" Colette said.

Lloyd, who had been walking with her, turned as well. "Hey," he said. "I've been meaning to ask you something... what are you doing here?"

She smiled enigmatically. "I have been sent by some wacky dream-spirit on a mission..." she trailed off, in a dramatic mood.

Lloyd gave her a doubtful look. "Mission? Like what?"

"Actually," she said, showing him her notebook, "I've been sent to compile a list of 30 different ways to annoy Kratos."

"Oh," said Lloyd. "So THAT's why you were shouting, 'eeewww' and running away, and why his pancakes had tomatoes in them, and where that poster came from. I thought you were just a nut case."

"Oh, I am," Kiri said cheerfully. "But I'm a nutcase who finds it fun to annoy people. And once I'm done, whatever spirit that sent me here will send me home."

"A spirit?" Lloyd said. He raised an eyebrow.

"You know, you really look like Kratos when you do that," Kiri said. " and yes, a spirit. I'm guessing one that has a little too much time on its hands."

"I do not look like Kratos!" said Lloyd.

Kiri shrugged. "Matter of opinion. Oh, and would you two mind helping me with one of my list items?"

"Sure!" said Colette.

"Why not?" said Lloyd.

"Ok, do you know where Sheena and Zelos are?" Kiri asked.

"Last I saw, they were in the garden talking," said Lloyd. "I think Zelos is trying to get Sheena to like him."

"Can you go get them? And Genis, if you can find him?" Kiri asked.

"Sure," said Lloyd. He ran off.

"What do you need us to do?" Colette asked.

"Well," said Kiri, "There's this song I was singing earlier, and it seems to annoy him. So I'm going to teach it to you, and Lloyd, and Zelos, and Sheena, and Genis, and we're going to put on a show."

"Cool! That sounds fun!" said Colette.

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15. Sing 'don't stop' or some equally peppy song at him, and put on a show with Colette and Lloyd and Zelos and Sheena and Genis. Get Colette to beg him to come.

Much Later...

"You know," said Kiri, "You look really pretty like that."

"Thanks!" said Colette. She was wearing a brightly coloured pleated knee-skirt and a red top, that she and Kiri had made, and her brown boots. Her hair was in a ponytail, and she looked as happy as ever. The clothes suited her personality.

Kiri finished doing her own hair in panda buns. Altogether ridiculous, but she thought they were fun, and would increase the annoying pep factor. Over in another part of the room, Sheena pulled on bright red retro leg-warmers, a style unseen before in Sylvarant. Kiri was going to put on a show, and she was going to do it well, costumes and all.

"Ok, where's the boys?" Kiri asked.

"Will they look as silly as us?" Sheena asked.

"Depends on what you think is ridiculous. I bet they'll look cool," Kiri said. At that moment, there was a knock on the change room door.

"Come in!" Kiri called. "We're all dressed."

The three boys walked into the room. "This better work," said Lloyd.

"Aw, don't worry," said Kiri. "You look great." She looked around. "You all do." All of the guys were dressed in a relaxed style. Loose pants on all of them, plain, brightly coloured T-shirts.

"Why did we even agree to this?" Genis asked.

"Because A, you want to annoy Kratos, B, it's fun, and C, you want to get rid of me all the faster." Kiri did a cheesy salute with a peace sign. "Come on! Let's go! Colette, you sure he's there?"

"Yep!" said Colette. "He promised he would be, and I saw him when I peeked through the curtain."

"OK! Get ready everyone!" Kiri said. They ran onstage and took their places.

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Later...

"Did you like it?" Colette asked Kratos.

"It was... interesting," Kratos said. The 'performance' had been the most ridiculous thing he had ever seen. They had all sung and danced to the disgustingly peppy song that the girl had been singing earlier. Brightly coloured lights, brightly coloured costumes. Disgusting, time-wasting, pointless, and way too cheerful. But he didn't have the heart to pop her bubble. She seemed so happy.

Colette skipped away, singing the song.

Everywhere Kratos went, for the day, someone was singing that song. The people who had gone to the show had seemed to like it, and now they were all singing it.

Kiri giggled. She was driving the guy mad, or at least, she hoped she was. Now, for the next one...

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16. Get the song stuck in absolutely everyone's heads, and get them all to sing it at him.


End file.
